One of the stupid, frustrating things about insecurity, is that you feel you'll never be able to manage it well enough; there's a persistent backdrop of fear that something (usually completely inadvertently) will trigger it and knock you off your game. And that fear saps hope, drains inspiration, destroys passion. And it sucks.
2017-11-26
2017-11-22
authenticity vs managing expectations
This came across my desk today. Resonates. Capturing it here to help process/integrate.
Couple observations, no particular order.
1. i recognize i used to be very critical of others, especially late teens through 20s as a defence mechanism. i even took pride in it: i recall at one point feeling pumped about learning that a friend's friend liked being around when I was there because i said funny/clever things at his expense (though usually to divert attention from my own shortcomings). looking back, i was a jackass. NV, since you are one of the very few people I know know about this mostly anonymous blog, I can apologize here. I am sorry for having been a jackass. you can quietly accept it or bring it up next time you're in town, i'd prefer the latter to clear the air.
2. the para starts with an attribution that I don't quite agree with. yes of course if you are critical of others it's a very bad move, strategically, to reveal your own faults because you surround yourself with people who likely want the satisfaction of taking you down. rather, i suspect it is very difficult to reveal your true self because you are ashamed of it, which is why you are so critical of others (correlation not causation).
3. feels like i grew up with one parent telling me i'm perfect and the other constantly reminding me i'm a danger toward others and indirectly blaming me for being inconvenient or worse. As a result, i learned to be very cynical and trust no one, not even myself, about my ability (or inability) to decide what I'm good at, what I'm good for, and what is good enough for me/others.
4. I think over time I've swung too far the other way from where I was in point 1 above. Wanting to be perfect at every new thing quickly left me wanting positive feedback/approval from others. inevitably i would hit a point where natural talent isn't enough to keep the compliments coming (external motivation), i would start doubting my ability to progress, and would start criticizing my ambitions maybe like a drinking problem - i'd get drunk on attention, but after a while my judgment would get cloudy and I'd lose sight of what I was really doing it for, followed by regret for having gotten drunk (on attention for whatever it was while it lasted) in the first place. I'm aware of that pattern now, and am practicing being mindful of my emotions so as not to go down that rabbit hole. back to main thread in point 4, I think I've swung too far the other way and my go-to defence mechanism is now to chronically undersell my abilities, to the point where I actively complain about not being good enough. it works to get support and attention in the short term, when I surprise people with my real abilities - but my ability to perform is dependent on their ongoing compliments, which eventually run dry and which I have trouble deciding whether I can accept them as genuine or not (see point 3). i have learned it also makes people feel stupid for trying to help me when i clearly didn't need it. feels really inauthentic, but keep doing it because of point 3.
5. i recently made a conscious decision to clear the air with someone I made really uncomfortable a few years ago. i was drunk on attention (point 4) and when that ceased, I started being a real jackass (point 1). it lasted a few months. I knew I had to apologize, and did shortly thereafter, but it still bothered me - i didn't know what to ask forgiveness for. anyway, just yesterday I took an opportunity to come clean, shed the defensive BS and admit the awkward truth about my emotional state at the time. it went reasonably well, and the authenticity feels good.
Not sure where this leaves me, or what's next. One thing is for sure, the little chances I've been taking in the past year to be increasingly authentic have been paying off. Admitting my core inadequacies little by little takes the pressure off, and I'm getting better at not being so aggressively defensive all the time about the lesser things. I am trying to be more realistic in my abilities and interests, and more confident in being able to sustain them. I look forward to the day I'll can allow myself confidently and realistically to just be me, allow make others comfortable to be "just" who they really are around me, and be a true friend respecting our honest strengths and accepting of our weaknesses. That is probably the best gift I could ever give myself.
That and sleep. Good night and thanks for reading.
The more critical you are of others, the more difficult it is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. When you have not allowed others to be less than perfect, does it not only follow that you cannot be less than perfect? And since you know you aren't perfect, how can you possibly reveal yourself? Creating an environment for authenticity requires that we give others the space to be authentic as well. We intuitively know that we can't require something of others that we haven't required of ourselves.
Couple observations, no particular order.
1. i recognize i used to be very critical of others, especially late teens through 20s as a defence mechanism. i even took pride in it: i recall at one point feeling pumped about learning that a friend's friend liked being around when I was there because i said funny/clever things at his expense (though usually to divert attention from my own shortcomings). looking back, i was a jackass. NV, since you are one of the very few people I know know about this mostly anonymous blog, I can apologize here. I am sorry for having been a jackass. you can quietly accept it or bring it up next time you're in town, i'd prefer the latter to clear the air.
2. the para starts with an attribution that I don't quite agree with. yes of course if you are critical of others it's a very bad move, strategically, to reveal your own faults because you surround yourself with people who likely want the satisfaction of taking you down. rather, i suspect it is very difficult to reveal your true self because you are ashamed of it, which is why you are so critical of others (correlation not causation).
3. feels like i grew up with one parent telling me i'm perfect and the other constantly reminding me i'm a danger toward others and indirectly blaming me for being inconvenient or worse. As a result, i learned to be very cynical and trust no one, not even myself, about my ability (or inability) to decide what I'm good at, what I'm good for, and what is good enough for me/others.
4. I think over time I've swung too far the other way from where I was in point 1 above. Wanting to be perfect at every new thing quickly left me wanting positive feedback/approval from others. inevitably i would hit a point where natural talent isn't enough to keep the compliments coming (external motivation), i would start doubting my ability to progress, and would start criticizing my ambitions maybe like a drinking problem - i'd get drunk on attention, but after a while my judgment would get cloudy and I'd lose sight of what I was really doing it for, followed by regret for having gotten drunk (on attention for whatever it was while it lasted) in the first place. I'm aware of that pattern now, and am practicing being mindful of my emotions so as not to go down that rabbit hole. back to main thread in point 4, I think I've swung too far the other way and my go-to defence mechanism is now to chronically undersell my abilities, to the point where I actively complain about not being good enough. it works to get support and attention in the short term, when I surprise people with my real abilities - but my ability to perform is dependent on their ongoing compliments, which eventually run dry and which I have trouble deciding whether I can accept them as genuine or not (see point 3). i have learned it also makes people feel stupid for trying to help me when i clearly didn't need it. feels really inauthentic, but keep doing it because of point 3.
5. i recently made a conscious decision to clear the air with someone I made really uncomfortable a few years ago. i was drunk on attention (point 4) and when that ceased, I started being a real jackass (point 1). it lasted a few months. I knew I had to apologize, and did shortly thereafter, but it still bothered me - i didn't know what to ask forgiveness for. anyway, just yesterday I took an opportunity to come clean, shed the defensive BS and admit the awkward truth about my emotional state at the time. it went reasonably well, and the authenticity feels good.
Not sure where this leaves me, or what's next. One thing is for sure, the little chances I've been taking in the past year to be increasingly authentic have been paying off. Admitting my core inadequacies little by little takes the pressure off, and I'm getting better at not being so aggressively defensive all the time about the lesser things. I am trying to be more realistic in my abilities and interests, and more confident in being able to sustain them. I look forward to the day I'll can allow myself confidently and realistically to just be me, allow make others comfortable to be "just" who they really are around me, and be a true friend respecting our honest strengths and accepting of our weaknesses. That is probably the best gift I could ever give myself.
That and sleep. Good night and thanks for reading.
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